“I don’t know about you, but that got old for me, and I had to own my own fear of abandonment in order to untangle myself from this pattern.” (excerpt from Change Your Patterns and Stop Sabotaging Relationships below)
Which patterns in your life have you been able to see more clearly, lately?
“3. Know that your expectations, not other people, cause disappointment.
Some of our expectations are not realistic, and in some cases, it isn’t our partner’s job to meet them.
Not knowing our expectations is a deadly trap that creates tension and resentment.
I felt shame when I tried to say, “But you didn’t call me after work before you went off to have drinks with your co-workers.” So instead, I would do the same to him in order to give him a taste of his own medicine.
He had no idea that I expected that from him. He would have if I had known it myself and communicated it. But I didn’t. Instead, I reacted. Deep inside I knew that it was an act of control and it was childish. My hidden expectations slowly pulled us apart. …”
“If we are unable to look at ourselves and be honest about our pain and how that fuels our behavior, we will keep repeating the same patterns.
I don’t know about you, but that got old for me, and I had to own my own fear of abandonment in order to untangle myself from this pattern.” (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/change-your-patterns-and-stop-sabotaging-relationships/)
“A porcupine came and asked a dog for food. The dog said he had no food but showed him a field of sugarcane belonging to a judge.
“Eat as much as you want,” said the dog, “but leave the roots intact so that the plants will grow again.” The porcupine found the sugarcane sweet and juicy. He began to visit the field every day. In the beginning he ate only the stems, as directed by the dog, but after a few days he began to eat the roots too. One day the judge saw the destruction in his field and was very angry.
He called the dog and accused him of destroying his crop. The dog said it was the porcupine that was to blame. The porcupine said he was innocent and suggested that the matter be settled in court. The judge agreed.
The porcupine waited till winter set in. Then one chilly morning he went to the dog’s house and told him the judge had summoned them.
When they entered the judge’s chamber the dog began to shiver with the cold.
“See how he trembles, Your Honor,” said the porcupine. “Isn’t that a sure sign of guilt?”
“What do you have to say for yourself?” asked the judge, looking sternly at the dog.
But the dog’s teeth were chattering with the cold and he could not speak. Thinking that his silence was an admission of guilt, the judge pronounced him guilty and kicked him out of the house.
Whenever a dog barks incessantly, Africans say he is warning the judge that the porcupine has got into his field.”
“In spite of myself, the insidious mastery of song Betrays me back, till the heart of me weeps to belong To the old Sunday evenings at home, with winter outside And hymns in the cosy parlour, the tinkling piano our guide.” (excerpt from Piana by D. H. Lawrence)
“One day when the quarreling had been much more violent than usual and each of the Sons was moping in a surly manner, he asked one of them to bring him a bundle of sticks.” (excerpt from reported Aesop’s fable)
How have you been a source of strength and stability for others, lately?
A Bundle of Sticks
“A certain Father had a family of Sons, who were forever quarreling among themselves. No words he could say did the least good, so he cast about in his mind for some very striking example that should make them see that discord would lead them to misfortune.
One day when the quarreling had been much more violent than usual and each of the Sons was moping in a surly manner, he asked one of them to bring him a bundle of sticks. Then handing the bundle to each of his Sons, in turn, he told them to try to break it. But although each one tried his best, none was able to do so.
The Father then untied the bundle and gave the sticks to his Sons to break one by one. This they did very easily.
“My Sons,” said the Father, “do you not see how certain it is that if you agree with each other and help each other, it will be impossible for your enemies to injure you? But if you are divided among yourselves, you will be no stronger than a single stick in that bundle.” (https://fablesofaesop.com/the-father-his-sons-and-the-bundle-of-sticks.html)
“An odd by-product of giving freely out of compassion and love is how it makes the giver feel. The more you give from a place of unconditional generosity, the more joy you feel.” (excerpt from Why Giving to Others Is Also Giving to Ourselves)
“Start by paying closer attention to the people you encounter during the day. Soon you will recognize an opportunity to give.
If you notice someone walking around with a permanent frown, you can flash your comforting smile and shine a tiny light on that person’s dark heart.
Generosity isn’t only for strangers. You can weed a neighbor’s garden, cook a meal for your parents, or pay a visit to someone you haven’t seen in a while. Giving to those you know and love the most prevents you from taking them for granted.
An odd by-product of giving freely out of compassion and love is how it makes the giver feel. The more you give from a place of unconditional generosity, the more joy you feel. Giving makes you realize how much power you have to make others feel better about themselves and their lives.
Go out and give whatever you have to whoever needs it. Seek ordinary moments and make them extraordinary. Life truly is a special occasion.” (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-giving-to-others-is-also-giving-to-ourselves/)
“The human heart has hidden treasures, In secret kept, in silence sealed;— The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, Whose charms were broken if revealed.” (excerpt from Bronte poem titled, Evening Solace)
How have you been of some comfort to someone else, lately?
Evening Solace
by Charlotte Brontë, 1816 – 1855
The human heart has hidden treasures,
In secret kept, in silence sealed;—
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
Whose charms were broken if revealed.
And days may pass in gay confusion,
And nights in rosy riot fly,
While, lost in Fame’s or Wealth’s illusion,
The memory of the Past may die.
But there are hours of lonely musing,
Such as in evening silence come,
When, soft as birds their pinions closing,
The heart’s best feelings gather home.
Then in our souls there seems to languish
A tender grief that is not woe;
And thoughts that once wrung groans of anguish
Now cause but some mild tears to flow.
And feelings, once as strong as passions,
Float softly back—a faded dream;
Our own sharp griefs and wild sensations,
The tale of others’ sufferings seem.
Oh! when the heart is freshly bleeding,
How longs it for that time to be,
When, through the mist of years receding,
Its woes but live in reverie!
And it can dwell on moonlight glimmer,
On evening shade and loneliness;
And, while the sky grows dim and dimmer,
Feel no untold and strange distress—
Only a deeper impulse given
By lonely hour and darkened room,
To solemn thoughts that soar to heaven
Seeking a life and world to come.
“How can I be less noble to refuse to forgive you! The thought of revenge had been burning in my mind. Go away and take the thought of revenge from me.” (excerpt from Youssouf and the Stranger below)
How successful have you been with forgiving the person(s) who irks you the most, lately?
THE SPIRITUAL PRINCIPAL THAT GOES BOTH WAYS –
“As we realize our need to be for- given, we tend to be more forgiving. At least we know that we are no longer intentionally mak- ing life miserable for people.” (The Basic Text, pp. 39-40)
WE CAN DO IT IF WE TRY –
“Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spir-
itual advisers that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us.” ” … we in-
wardly knew we’d be able to receive forgiveness and give it, too.” (12 & 12, pp. 57- 58)
“The weak can never for- give. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
– Mahatma Gandhi (1869 – 1948) preeminent Indian political and spiritual leader
Youssouf and the Stranger
Yussouf was a sheik. He was sitting at the door of his dent in the desert. It was night. Nothing was visible in the desert. The only light was the light that came from the starts in the sky. They were twinkling in the sky. The sheik was sad at heart. He had been secretly weeping for many days and nights. His eldest son had been killed.
Suddenly, a stranger came running to the tent. He fell at the feet of Yussouf. He said, “O Chief, save me. My enemies are coming after me. They want to kill me. I am starving. I can not run anymore. All men call you good. Save me. O Chief, let me stay in your tent for one night.”
Yussouf asked the stranger to enter his tent. He said, “You are a stranger, but you are welcome. You can share with me my food and shelter. God has given them to me. God is our father. He has built this earth for us. The sky protects us all. God gives us food and shelter. I have never refused to grant anyone a favor. Therefore come into my tent as my guest. Share with me my food. No one will harm you.”
The stranger entered. Yussouf embraced him as his honored guest. After taking food, the stranger lay down to sleep.
The next day, the sun had not risen up.
The desert was calm and still. Yussouf, gently, woke up the stranger. He gave the stranger a bag of gold. He said, “My friend, I hope you had a good sleep. The food must have given you some strength. Now you must escape from your enemies before the sun rises. I have kept my best horse ready for you. Fly before your enemies come.”
The stranger got up. He received the bag of gold from Yussouf. He looked at Yussouf for some moments. There was some struggle going on in his mind. Then suddenly his face became brighter. He fell at the feet of Yussouf. Then he said, “O good and noble Chief! You had been so kind to me. Gave me food and shelter. Saved my life. But I had been so bad. I killed your son. I am Abraham. Now kill me! I am ready for punishment and revenge from you.”
The sheik was shocked. He was motionless.
He was struggling between revenge and forgiveness in his mind. Should he take revenge? Should he return evil for evil? Or should he return good for evil? Finally, he put his hand into his pocket. He drew out more gold. He gave it to Abraham. Then he said, “Here is gold three times more. Take this and go away. I will not kill you. You have been noble enough to confess. How can I be less noble to refuse to forgive you! The thought of revenge had been burning in my mind. Go away and take the thought of revenge from me.”
“I must give up the thought of revenge. Only then my son will sleep in peace. You have been my guest. I can not kill my guest. May God forgive both of us – me for keeping revenge in my thought and you for murdering my son!” said the Sheik and he went off to pray God.” (http://www.english-for-students.com/Yussouf.html)
“Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another hu- man being is humility – a word often misunderstood .” “[It] amounts to a clear re- cognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to be- come what we could be.” (12 & 12 p. 58)
WE ARE ONLY HUMAN, AFTER ALL –
“To be truly hu-
mble is to accept and honestly try to be ourselves. None of us is perfectly good or perfect-
ly bad. We are people who have assets and liabili– ties. Most importantly, we are human.” (The Basic Text, p. 36)
“The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his
humblest hour is when he compares the vol- ume as it is with what he vowed to make it.”
– James M. Barrie (1860 – 1937) Scottish, playwright, Peter Pan
Which spiritual principles and how have you used them to turn one of your failures, setbacks or slips into success?
Now It’s Your Turn
“Ask yourself if you’re holding onto a failure or disappointment in your life. Why are you hanging on to it?
Seek support from other people who know you and who you trust to give you gentle feedback—especially if the “failure” feels fresh, even after many years.
Decide how you will move forward and use what you’ve learned to create a new plan, to let the past go to make room in your life for your new dreams.
In this way, failures don’t feel so final; they feel like a twist on a path of exploration. That’s a path I’m happy to take.
Reframe. Refocus. Revise. Rinse. And repeat.” (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/3-simple-steps-to-turn-failure-into-success/)
